Tuesday 7 June – Songwriting Day 5
As I grew older in my early 20s, I realised that my model goodness was something thrust upon me for being a quiet and a decent kid at best. I felt I had lived most of my youth that far under this impressed illusion that I was a stand up guy because that’s what people perceived me to be, not what I was. Being non-conflict is easy when you’re non-confrontational, being non-judgmental is a piece of cake when your own ego has never really clashed with somebody else’s, appearing wise is natural when you shy away from live debate and don’t open yourself up to being wrong. I felt like a fraud.
This may sound bleak and self depreciating but bare with me. Sure, as an introvert certain behaviours are not in my nature untill they are of use to me, and because I am sensitive I do have a greater sense of empathy for people and their struggles. That being said I am also a faulty human being, and that’s a part of me I have intentionally kept hidden because of this narrative built about me.
Yesterday I woke up mad at everything. I was tired and generally felt like trash. That’s something most people never picture a mello and chill guy like me going through. So, when the prompt “Piece of cake” came my way I decided that instead of changing my mood to write something upbeat, I would sit in it and write from that headache of a state.
The result was a melancholic tune written from the point of view of a conversation with the listener. The listener being the subject of the shitty feeling. I allowed myself to Express these feelings I don’t allow myself to express that often. Letting out pent up words. The point of the song? That we reserve the right to be human, to be fragile, to be imperfect, to have bad days. We should always try and live up to our polished parts, but there is a need to reckon with our muddy parts if we are to do so seamlessly, or I will burst.
I’m a firm believer in acknowledging and processing feelings in order to find their root, then living past them. So art, songwriting in particular, is part of that processing and self reflection. What I have learned to be careful not to do is take out any anger or frustrations on the people closest to me. On the other side of the process I am better equipped to express and impart life and kindness to others.
In an act of self kindness, not stripping myself away from gloom so quickly with the mask of pretense, but sitting with it and understanding it, I find the energy and motivation to act in kindness to others. This morning I read an apt quote from the Meditations in Maria Popova’s magnificent newsletter The Marginalian:
“If you carry out every present task by following right reason assiduously, resolutely, and with kindness; if, rather than getting distracted by irrelevancies, you keep your guardian spirit unspoiled and steady…; if you engage with the task not with expectations or evasions, but satisfied if your current performance is in accord with nature and if what you say and express is spoken with true Roman honesty, you’ll be living the good life. And there’s no one who can stop you doing so!”
– Marcus Aurelius
It goes back to yesterday’s entry where I touched on presence. There is nothing more present than kindness. Its strips away preconceptions and judgement. It is unconditional. In kindness I can purposefully sit in frustration, not to wallow pointlessly in it but to learn to love myself despite it. In kindness I can tap into the well of the darker side of my emotions and find the light as I write my way out of it.
In kindness I can share this energy. I can step into the world and see people just like me, struggling in their own pits, and give them a hand despite who they are or what they have done. Show them where I came from through my art, and hope they see that they too are not defined by their worst impulses. That even in their worst days they are deserving of love, built for success, and capable of kindness.
My favourite Walt Whitman quote is, “I contain multitudes”. We indeed are an amalgamation of personas and complexities. I’ve come to learn, since that existential moment in my early 20s, I can openly be every part of the spectrum of human feeling and existence, and still be a stand up guy.
The Marginalian, formerly Brain Pickings, has been a vital part of my creative, intellectual and spiritual growth as an adult ever since I discovered it at the age of 19. Check it out, maybe it could mean something to you too.
Still Water Reeds 